Family Ties

For many Jews-by-Choice, the holiday season produces a unique stress. How does one deal with the emotional issue of relations with family members who are of another faith? Especially in places like the United States where Christianity is the majority religion, that major December holiday can be very challenging. Often Christmas is celebrated as a time of rare family unity. Even those relatives who never seem to contact family at any other time suddenly begin sending cards, making phone calls or coming by for an annual visit! As Jews we have no connection to this holiday. There is often a fear that non-Jewish family members will perceive this disconnect as an estrangement from family. How can this problem be avoided?

Each family situation is unique, but I can offer a few ideas to help make December a happy time for everyone

Your family is still your family.

Your parents gave your life and nurtured you through your early years. Your siblings are still brother and sister. If you grew up in a loving, caring home thank G-d! Your family played a major role in making you who you are. It is important that you validate that role by loving and respecting them for who they are. Many of the most cherished memories that a Jew-by-Choice has involve Christian holidays. It is wrong to discard those memories and even worse to feel guilty about them! Some do, but that is completely unnecessary. You are who you are, and that includes your personal history. Cherish your family and your memories.

Your home is a Jewish home.

Unfortunately some well intentioned people think that by merging the more "secular" traditions of the two holidays the tension is somehow lessened. For example they purchase a small artificial tree, decorate it with dreidles, and call it a "Hanukkah bush"! That is a foolish and unnecessary compromise. Friends, there is just no reason to feel uneasy about making your home look, sound and smell Jewish. Christian families do not apologize for their Nativity scenes under their trees. You should be equally proud of your menorah and dreidles. You are a Jew. Be yourself and be proud!

Yours

Ours!

Mine

Talk to your Rabbi.

Whenever you are confronted with a complex problem such as family relationships, it is always sound advice to speak with a trusted rabbi. Dealing with interfaith situations among family members raises a host of emotional and halachic issues and only a rabbi is qualified to advise on such matters. The wisdom and support that you will receive will not only comfort but empower you.

Find common bonds with your family.

Look for opportunities to share experiences with your non-Jewish family. And don't wait until December!! A trip to a baseball game, going fishing, or other similar shared interests are not tied to religious holidays or rituals. They can be wonderful times for family bonding. The "ties that bind" are really family ties. If you strengthen these ties during the other eleven months of the year, they will remain strong through more difficult times. I am often asked, "Should I visit on Christmas?" That is a question best posed to your rabbi, but in general I would advise against it. Visiting on the holiday often creates more tension than need be. You should definitely call and wish a "happy holiday" to your family. 

I was blessed that my parents and sisters have been supportive of me since my conversion. They did not exactly endorse my decision, but they accepted me for who and what I am. Family ties are a vital part of a healthy lifestyle and are an important part of Torah observance. I wish for you, my readers and followers, the joys and blessing of a strong and lasting bond with all your family.

Related links:

Telling Parents about Conversion

Confronting Challenges of the Christmas