"You Don't Look Jewish!" Right and Wrong Ways to Talk to Coverts

New Jews are often self-conscious. They also usually want to fit in, but since they are new to living as a Jew they aren't quite sure if they are "doing things the right way." Sooner or later, some well-intentioned soul engages them in conversation and asks some question that makes the convert even more ill at ease! I believe that most people want a New Jew to feel comfortable and at home in their Jewish community. But sometimes they say things without realizing that they are making their new friend uncomfortable or worse hurt. Here are a few suggestions to help make the conversation more positive.

Do I look Jewish?

Don't say, "You don't look Jewish!"

This is a common and really silly comment. How is a Jew "supposed" to look? I have personally met Jews who were dark skinned and white, blond, brunette and red-headed (Yes, red-headed!) tall and short, male and female. Jews are human beings and they look like human beings. Eliminate this ridiculous comment from your memory banks!

Don't ask, "Why did you convert?"

For a Born Jew it is natural to be curious about the reasons for gentile wanting to become Jewish. Aside from making the New Jew uncomfortable, there are two other reasons for controlling one's curiosity. Number one, it is none of  anyone's business except the convert! Everyone is entitled to privacy. And the question is irrelevant. Once a person emerges from the mikveh, he or she is a Jew. "Why?" doesn't matter any more. Which brings me to my next point:

A Convert is just as Jewish as a Born Jew!

I still hear people making the erroneous statement that a person who converts is somehow a second-class Jew. Nonsense, not true and not supported by halachah or any rabbinic teaching!

So how one make a convert feel at home in the Jewish community?

Start with, "Hello. Nice to Meet You!"

Seriously, New Jews are like Born Jews because they are Jews.  Make them feel at home because they are home! Greet them warmly. Get to know them personally. You might just make a new friend.

Be patient.

Not everyone knows everything. Many Jews who have attended shul for years still don't know it all. If they make a "mistake" resist the temptation to correct them.

Treat them like YOU would want to be treated!

I remember visiting a shul in my community for the first time. We were greeted with two reactions. Members of the Membership Committee could greet us quickly enough. Some folks just sat and stared at us...all through Shacharit!  Needless to say we rarely go back there! How would you feel? Treat converts in a friendly, welcoming manner.

The lesson here is obvious. We are all one! There is a mitzvah called Ahavat Yisrael, love of one's fellow Jew. If we can learn to live by that mitzvah, what a change for the better we would see!

Related links:

"Do's and Don't's of Talking to Converts"

"Proper Treatment of Converts"

Building Confidence

The first few times a new or newly observant Jew performs a mitzvah in public (like chanting the blessings before a Torah reading) can be unnerving. Doing anything for he first time can be stressful but one does not need to become paralyzed by a lack of confidence.

Consider this episode from the beginning of the familiar Exodus story from Moses’ point of view. Standing in the wilderness this stammering, stuttering man is having a conversation with the God who created the universe with a few simple words. The Lord tells Moses that He has seen the plight of the Israelites and will rescue them from bondage. He then informs Moshe Rabbeinu, “I will send you to Pharaoh and you shall free My people, the Israelites, from Egypt.” (Exodus 3:10)

Basically God is sending a man who has been away from the community for at least forty years to rally the people for liberation from Egypt. The Lord is also sending this man, a fleeing felon with a speech impediment, to the most powerful man in the known world to demand the release of a nation of slaves. Yea, that’s going to work! No wonder that Moses replies, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and free the Israelites from Egypt?” (Exodus 3: 11)

Moses is feeling totally unprepared for the task thrust upon him. What he is asked to do requires him to perform the impossible by using his most obvious inadequacy – his lack of eloquence. God’s response seems counterintuitive. God doesn’t promise to perform great miracles. Nor does He bestow supernatural abilities on Moses. He says something far more intimate and personal. He promises, “I will be with you.” It is this simple fact that will insure Moses’ success.

Fast forward about three millennia or so. As a brand new member of the Jewish family, I looked around at the wonderful new religious home I had joined and came to an inescapable conclusion: I had nothing to offer. Four generations of my family had been leaders in the congregations where they worshiped. Passive membership just seemed wrong to me. It seemed that I should at least be actively participating in the synagogue rituals. With my minimal knowledge of Hebrew and only the most basic understanding of Jewish worship, I felt that I was completely unprepared to stand on the bima and recite the traditional blessings. Strange is it not that I, a person trained and experienced in public speaking, should feel unable to speak properly?

Then one Shabbos morning I was called to the Torah for the first time ever.  Knowing that this day would come eventually, I had practiced the brachah but I had no confidence in my ability to perform it perfectly. Sure enough I tripped over the word “B’tocheinu” I’ll never forget that one word. I was sure everyone noticed. After the service however I was surrounded by my fellow congregants. Everyone extended congratulations on my excellent Hebrew! Some folks didn’t even realize that it was my first attempt.

I learned a valuable lesson that morning. Like Moshe Rabbeinu I had to learn that God wasn’t concerned about my eloquence or lack thereof. He was interested in me as an individual. I had to be freed from feeling inadequate and simply do what I could to the best of my ability. That process started that morning. From personal experience, I can assure you that you can rely on Hashem’s promise, “I will be with you.” Be strong. Be confident. You can do it!

Related links:

"Crash Course in Jewish Blessings"

Blessings (My Jewish Learning)

Take Your Time

Recently I was having a conversation with a member of my synagogue who had converted to Judaism some years ago. I was quite surprised when I heard her say, "I just can't part with my Christmas tree!" She went on to explain that while growing up, Christmas was the one time of the year when her family was together happily involved with each other. Nearly all the happy memories of her youth centered on the Christian holiday. The Christmas tree awakened her happiest memories. So every December she placed an undecorated, artificial tree in her bedroom out of sight of everyone except herself and her loving, understanding husband.

At first I found myself feeling that I should sternly rebuke my friend for her shocking disregard for halachah and tradition. Fortunately before I opened my big mouth, I rebuked myself! I thought of all the questionable things that I had done in my Jewish life, especially in the first few years after my conversion. For me to criticize her for her actions would have been not only unkind and unwise. It would have been hypocritical in the extreme!

Everyone who converts to Judaism from another faith tradition faces an overwhelming number of challenges both practical and emotional. Our relationships with family and friends change. Many of our fondest memories concern life events and holidays which are no longer part of our lives. This change is emotionally stressing.

Halachah (Jewish law) states that a convert becomes a totally new person at the moment his or her conversion is completed. Realistically we "new Jews" face the reality of finding out how to deal with our past, which is forever a part of who we are. For example we are commanded to honor our non-Jewish parents. We are forbidden to reject them or expel them from our live. This commandment alone poses a number of difficulties for a convert. Emotionally we face a long process of finding a place in our lives for the music, foods, and mental images that creep into our consciouness daily.

If coping with this new reality is difficult for you, I suggest a long heart-to-heart with your rabbi. It would be a very foolish thing indeed to try to surpress all of those happy moments from your memory. They are part of you. They made you who you are. Some people take longer than others to deal with personal issues. Do not think that if you still have questions or struggles with "un-Jewish" memories that you are somehow being unfaithful to your new religion. If you are doing the best you can to do what you know is right, you are a faithful Jew.

Those of us who are more secure in our Jewish selves owe it to our struggling friends and fellows to support them, not criticise them. After all we were once at that place ourselves.

Dear readers, may you all find your place of comfort and happiness in your Jewish lives. And may your memories - new and old - all be happy ones.

Related links:

Jewish Soul in a Non-Jewish Body
Becoming a Jew is an Evolving Process

Becoming Jewish: Building a Support System

Human beings are social animals. Rare indeed is the person who goes through life with no one to offer friendship, comfort and support. When contemplating a major life change like conversion to Judaism, it is essential that you have a strong support system. Learning a new religion, embracing a new culture, practicing unfamiliar rituals and spiritual introspection can be challenging. You are moving out of your comfort zone and into a new world. It is vital that you look at those who are a part of your life and build supportive relationships with them.

As important as it is to have a strong support system, building such relationships can be difficult. Not everyone will approve of the changes you will be making. You may be living in an area where the Jewish community is very small. And unfortunately, not all Jews are as welcoming to newcomers as the Torah teaches they must be. All of these issues can make that task of  becoming Jewish that much more difficult. How does one go about finding and developing new relationships in a challenging environment?

Begin with yourself.

By that I mean make sure that you are committed to learning, practicing and following through with the process of becoming a Jew. If you don't have a siddur, get one and begin davening (praying) daily. This will help to strengthen you spiritually. You will also gain confidence in knowing when and how to pray and say various brachot. The stronger your spirit, the more confident your observance, the more comfortable you will become within the Jewish community.

Maintain family ties.

Hopefully you will have support from your family members. Be sure to maintain strong family ties. Your non-Jewish relatives may not understand your motives or desires. It is important that they know that you are not rejecting them or simply abandoning your past traditions. Keep the lines of communication open. If you are not living at home make sure you visit or call frequently. Be willing to discuss your plans and share your needs and desires with them. It isn't always easy but it is important to maintain strong family ties.

Get involved in your synagogue.

Participation in a synagogue community is a vital means of maintaining a strong support system. Learn what opportunities are available to you and become involved. You will make new friends, learn more about how the community functions and become immersed in the Jewish way of living. No one can live a Jewish life in isolation. Many mitzvot require a minyan or at least the presence of fellow Jews. In this way we strengthen each other. Don't sit on the sidelines. Get in the game!

When you build a viable support network, you will become more at ease with your new life. And you will enjoy the experience more and more as you progress.

Related links:

How Do I go About Converting to Judaism? (Reform)
The Conversion Process
Why is Conversion to Judaism so Hard?

Becoming Jewish: Beginning the Conversion Process

Whether you are contemplating conversion to Judaism or are committing yourself to a more observant lifestyle, you will quickly discover that "becoming Jewish" is not instantaneous. Time, effort and persistence are necessary to achieve the goal of transforming oneself into a person whose life is committed to Torah and mitzvot. In the next few post I will discuss the process of conversion based on my personal experience. I shall try to offer some guidance and encouragement to those of you who are just beginning your journey into Judaism.

One thing is certain. I did not simply wake up one morning and say to myself, "I think I'll become a Jew." My decision to convert came after a long and deeply personal time of struggle and introspection. I was raised in a very devout Christian home. Christianity had met my spiritual needs for years, so much so that I entered the Christian ministry. A personal spiritual crisis led me to reconsider my beliefs. After years of uncertainty, learning about other religious communities, and studying,I determined that Judaism was where I belonged.

As you contemplate your own reasons for becoming Jewish, consider your motivation. There are some powerful motivators that can bring difficulty your way as you move along the way. There are also potential pitfalls which could challenge even the most determined of converts. Judaism is not an easy way of living. There are many requirements to living a Torah life. While The United States and many other western countries are fairly safe homes for Jewish people, a careful reading of the daily newspaper will prove that there are dangers even in the most safe of communities. Judaism is full of beautiful rituals, meaningful holidays and spiritually uplifting virtues. These virtues can be strengthening and fulfilling, but unless one is willing to commit body and soul to being fully Jewish the way can become very difficult indeed.

I am not trying to discourage anyone. If Judaism is really where G-d wants you to be, there is no more rewarding life. The sense of nearness to G-d, the strength of community, the guidance and direction of Torah and halachah can be a source of profound spiritual satisfaction. The place to begin your journey is within yourself. Why do you want to "become Jewish"? Is this where you belong? Can you envision yourself living as a Jew at work? In your home?

As you progress through this process of self-evaluation, the very best advice I can give you is: don't do it alone. A strong support system is essential when making any significant life-decision. More on that subject in my next post.

As always your comments and questions are welcome. If you haveany questions that you do not wish to ask publicly, you may contact me via e-mail at welshabbabooks@gmail.com

Related links:
Should I convert to Judaism?
Considering Conversion
So You Want to Convert (From Haaretz, but interesting)

Where Do I Start?

Whenever anyone begins a major, new project, there is always a bit of reluctance. When one determines to become a baal teshuvah or to begin the process of conversion to Judaism, he or she may become overwhelmed by the sheer size and complexity of the commitment. Soon questions begin to arise. How can I possibly learn all there is to learn? How will people react if my observance is not exactly perfect? I can't do everything all at once. Relax and take a deep breath, my friend! Before undertaking such a daunting task, let us consider what is at stake and where and how to begin.

Ask yourself, "Why?"

What is your motivation for doing this? What is the outcome you expect from your efforts? It might be that you are about to get married and there are some practical considerations. Your prospective spouse and/or future in-laws require it. If that is the case, slow down and stop! This is a major life change that you are contemplating. Experience has taught that "keeping the in-laws happy" is never motivation enough to keep a person fully committed to Jewish observance.


Then there is what I call the "New Age" motivation. Why does a celebrity like Madonna study Kabbalah? Surely she has no intention of becoming a Jew. She is attracted to the profound wisdom and insight that Kabbalah provides. Perhaps you have felt some of the great spiritual strength and moral wisdom that Torah imparts. While that is fine as far as it goes, it does not go far enough. As one of my teachers used to say, "We are not the most popular people, you know." Will mere inspiration be enough for you to be willing to sacrifice your life if - G-d forbid! - that should become the only choice?


I am certainly not judging anyone's motivation. I am hoping that I can help you to realize that this change is a complete one. I have learned that unless one is totally committed heart and soul to being a Jew, conversion will likely be a very unhappy experience and not bring the fulfillment that you are seeking.

Know what you are getting into.

Before you begin contemplating conversion, you seek as much first-hand experience as possible. Begin by regularly attending a synagogue. You don't necessarily have to attend every week, but you should go often enough to experience the worship, get to know some of the people, meet the spiritual leadership, and become comfortable in these new surroundings. While there will be some aspects that will seem quite familiar, much that you will experience will be new to you. It might even seem a little strange. Of course that is to be expected. The more you see, feel, and learn, the more you will know whether this might be the right choice that G-d has for you.


If you begin to feel "at home" in this community, attend some social, community service, educational or other events that might be available to you. Not all programs will be open to non-Jews. Don't feel slighted! There are some benefits - and responsibilities - that are Jewish only. Many communities are willing to have interested non-Jews attend some functions. Be friendly. Be open. And do not be afraid to ask questions. Remember the old saying: "The only stupid question is the one you don't ask."

Pray about it.

When approaching any major decision, you should approach it with prayer. It is a very Jewish thing to do! We call it davening. That is speaking to G-d in our own voice about our personal concerns. It is important to remember that Hashem is with you and divine guidance is a real thing. Another excellent idea is to read the Psalms. One of the many benefits of the Book of Psalms (Tehillim in Hebrew) is that the emotions of the writer comes through in each verse. These psalms were written by real people. Their experiences and feelings will be a source of support.

And finally...

If you truly believe that conversion or increased observance is right for you at this point in your life, speak to a rabbi about it. He will be able to give you guidance as to what steps you must take to begin this journey. A special word to converts: the rabbi will almost certainly not be encouraging at first. What you are about to undertake is very serious business. Rabbis are commanded by Torah to make sure that prospective converts are sincere and prepared to take on the burden of fulfilling the mitzvot. Traditionally the prospective convert is turned away three times before being allowed to proceed. If you are truly sincere about taking this step, don't let that discourage you. Learn and practice as much as you can. Have faith in G-d and the process. I can tell you from first-hand experience, it is worth the effort!


Related links:
Conversion to Judaism (Rabbinical Council)
Conversion to Judaism (My Jewish Learning)
"So You Want to Convert" (Aricle from Haaretz)

What Kind of Jew Are You?

During a recent conversation one young Jewish lady asked me, "What kind of Jew are you?" Of all the question people have asked me regarding my Jewish journey, this is the one I like least. I really do not like to label people. I usually give a simple, safe answer like, "I'm a traditional Jew." I find the whole process of pinning a label on a person distasteful. For some reason humans seem to have an inherent need to categorize, evaluate or derogate other humans by labeling them. Are you liberal or conservative? Orthodox, Masorti or Reform? Even these broad categorizations are not good enough for some people. Orthodox Jews, for example, are subdivided into Modern, haredi, chassidic, etc. Worst of all no one seems to be able to define even these terms in a manner agreeable to everyone. My Orthodox friends think I am Conservative; my Conservative friends swear that I'm Orthodox!

This kind of divisive definition of our fellow Jews is not only counter-productive, it is often hurtful. A ba'al teshuvah or a new Jew can become uncomfortable when being labeled as one "kind" of Jew or another. There is a danger that he (or she) will try to adapt his or her observance to fit someone else's definition of what a "good" Jew is or does. How can a newly observant Jew cope with the anxiety of being labelled in such a way?

Avoid using labels.

As much as possible, try not to define yourself - or anyone else - by which expression of Judaism you practice. We Jews should be building a sense of community not creating our own little "neighborhoods" based on our level of observance. Labels divide us. Torah unites us. Focus on learning and living Torah among your fellow Jews.

Learn and do.

It is important for every Jew to continue to study and learn Torah. Regardless of how many years one has been practicing Judaism, he has never learned it all. There is always something new to be discovered. As I have advised many people many times, find a rabbi to whom you can relate and study with him. Equally as important, practice what you know. Even if you are not certain precisely how to perform a certain ritual do it anyway. Practice may not make perfect but it does make progress.

Be comfortable being who you are.

This can be the most difficult lesson of all. It is very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that someone who observes certain mitzvot in a more restrictive or detailed manner is a "better" Jew. Nonsense. He may be more learned. He may follow a different minhag (tradition). But he is neither "better" nor "worse" than any other Jew. A friend of mine was once confronted by a synagogue official who berated him for his behavior in a particular situation. My friend smiled and graciously responded, "Like you, I am learning." I was impressed with that answer. All of us are (or should be) learning.

Love your fellow Jew.

Treat everyone with respect. Become an active member of a community. Visit a Jewish friend who is ill. Call someone with whom you have not spoken in a while. Share in the joys and sorrows of your fellow Jews. Do not limit your friends and acquaintances to members of one particular synagogue, movement, or neighborhood. Be a friend to every Jew. That is not to say that you should not have your own standards of observance. Live your life guided by Torah as you understand it. You do not want to judged by someone else's standard. Do not expect others to follow your way. One can be different without being divisive.

In sum, the very best way to avoid the pitfalls of living up to an ill-defined standard is to live according to Torah standards. Torah is a positive, unifying force that brings all of us closer to each other and to Hashem. Learning and practicing Torah will help you to become a confident, proud, positive Jew.

Related links:
Loving One's Fellow Jew
Understanding Our Differences
Jewish Unity

Living Freedom

In just two weeks we will celebrate Hanukkah the holiday which commemorates the victory of the Maccabees over the Syrian-Greeks and the cleansing of our Holy Temple. It is a time to rejoice in our victory, to celebrate the freedom that we have to worship as G-d commands.

To many people who have little or no knowledge of Torah, the Torah lifestyle seems to be anything but free. They point to the mitzvot as if they were intended to keep us from enjoying life. When we follow Torah, we cannot eat whatever we choose. We live life on a "schedule." We must pray at certain times, light candles by a specified hour, refrain from our usual activities on Shabbos or Yom Tov. To a person who approaches this life for the first time, it seems so regulated that there is no time to be human! The natural reaction is to rebel against the very idea of mitzvot, to follow what "everyone else" seems to be doing. Their motto seems to be: "I'll do what I want when I want to do it!" But is that freedom?

A wise man once said, "True freedom is not absolute. True freedom is submission to the Truth." One cannot claim to be free from the Law of Gravity and fly without wings. It is impossible. Think of any favorite activity that you enjoy. There are rules! Any sport - football, basketball, golf -  have rules. When preparing a meal the cook must set the stove at the proper temperature or the food will burn. If the gardener does not ensure the proper amount of rain and sunshine for his plants, they will die.

Likewise Hashem has given us mitzvot to enable us to enjoy the blessings of freedom. When we learn Torah and follow its teachings, we experience how liberating life can be. Our relationships with our loved ones and friends are enriched. Our physical health, our business lives, every aspect of human existence is elevated to a level of holiness. We as individuals gain an indescribable sense of satisfaction and peace that comes only from knowing G-d and following His mitzvot. Submission to the Truth of Torah brings true freedom.

Hanukkah

As you light the Hanukkah candles - the lights of freedom - this year, know that by performing mitzvot we discover the deepest meaning of freedom. May you learn and live Torah each day. Celebrate our ability to live life as our Creator intended it to be lived. In freedom!

May you have a bright and blessed Hannukkah.

Related links:
"The Flame"
"The Lightness of Being"
"Chanukah,1942"

Wolves in Sheep's Clothing? An Introduction to "Hebrew Christianity"

A few weeks ago I was confronted and "witnessed to" by a Hebrew Christian missionary. He told me his story briefly and handed me a tract (a small pamphlet containing his personal religious experience and several scripture verses). I exchanged a few emails with him, explaining why I could not accept his plea to "accept Yeshua (Jesus)" and to show him what the Torah says. In the end he angrily denounced me as an "anti-Christ" and consigned me to the fires of eternal perdition! I have been dealing with these folks for many years but this encounter prompted me to offer some words of advice to you, dear readers, who may encounter them for the first time.

Now not all Hebrew Christians are as vicious and uncaring as this person was. In fact many are very sincere and warm. I count several of them among my friends. I have many other Evangelical Christian friends who witness to me and pray for me all the time. But Hebrew Christianity - or "Messianic Judaism" as they prefer to call their faith - is different and in some ways deceptive. It is important to know who they are and why they can become such a troubling presence for new and newly observant Jews.

Who are these people?

So-called "Messianic Jews" are Jewish people who have embraced Christianity. They see themselves as having been given a special mission to present the Gospel to their Jewish brethren. If they would simply present themselves as Christian (which they are) there would be no confusion. The problem is that they know that no faithful Jew wants to become a Christian! So they try to convince the people to whom they witness that Jesus is the Jewish Messiah and the only way to true salvation. To give their message an appearance of being authentically Jewish, they use Hebrew to present Christian concepts. Thus Jesus is called by the Hebrew name Yeshua, the New Testament becomes the Brit Hadashah, the Holy Spirit is the Ruah Hakodesh, etc.

"Messianic Judaism" isn't Judaism.

The message that these missionaries proclaim is the Christian gospel with a Jewish accent. In their belief system one can only come to G-d through an intermediary, that of course being Jesus. While they declare that this is an authentic expression of Judaism it is nothing of the sort. They are spreading New Testament theology, which is not the teaching of Torah or the Prophets. Yet they insist that it is and refuse to call themselves what they are: Christians. They observe all the Jewish holy days - Rosh Hashannah, Sukkot, Pesach, and others - but they have completely reinterpreted them in a distinctively Christian manner. Not only is their message slanted but their observance as well.

Be prepared!

Unlike some Evangelical groups that you might encounter preaching on the street corner, Hebrew Christians are usually more subtle. The encounter that I described above is not the normal method they employ. Often they begin by inviting you to a Torah study, a Sukkot party, a Pesach seder, or some other event. It sounds friendly enough but in the course of the proceedings it becomes obvious that they are sending a message that is not traditional Judaism. Frequently they target Jews who are not well-educated in Torah or are newly observant.

There are several things that you can do to be prepared for these unexpected encounters. Study Torah daily. Learn its true teachings. Become involved in your local synagogue community. Practice your Judaism: perform mitzvot, learn the proper way to perform our rituals, lay tefilin, light Shabbos candles. Be a proud and confident Jew! If you are confronted by a missionary, be polite but firm. My answer to them is often, "Thank you for your concern, but that is not my way." I simply leave it at that. As Torah observant Jews, you and I have nothing for which to apologize. We can be confident in our faith and in our G-d - the G-d of the Bible.

I encourage you to check out the links below for further study. If you have any questions that I have not answered, feel free to comment or click here to send me an email. (All email addressees are always kept confidential.) May you go from strength to strength. 

Related links:

About Jews for Jesus (Aish.com)

"A 6 Minute Counter-Missionary Course" Video (Jews for Judaism)

Countermissionary.org

Shomrei Emet Institute

Lost in the Crowd?

A friend of mine once sought my help with a problem he was having praying in synagogue. "It seems like they are just rushing through the prayers and not focusing on what the words say or mean," he complained. "How can I keep up with the congregation and still focus on what the prayers mean to me?" He is certainly not alone in his dilemma. Some communities seem to be hurrying through the prayer as if they must be completed within a few minutes time. In others the leader simply chants the closing lines of each prayer and seems to be ignoring the majority of the text.

An individual who is not well learned in Hebrew faces that additional problem of struggling through the service, trying to understand what the text is saying. For Jews-by-Choice who were raised in a Christian tradition, Jewish worship seems at first to be a foreign culture. In Christian worship nearly everything is either done by the congregation as a whole or by a pastor, liturgist, or choir while the individual listens. Jewish worship seems confusing. One wonders, Should I pray as an individual and try to connect with G-d alone? What then is the purpose of group worship? Or should I try to keep up with the congregation and miss the meaning and significance of the rest of the prayers.

Fortunately there is a solution to the problem. I have a few suggestions that should help make congregational prayer more meaningful.

"Go Forth and Learn"

If Jewish worship is new to you, one of the first things you should do is attend a class to learn what Jewish worship is: the meaning of prayer, the purpose of praying in Hebrew, the text and meaning of the prayers, how the service is structured, and other important details. Learning the structure and purpose of Jewish prayer will make the service less confusing and more meaningful. Many synagogues have a "learner's minyan," a separate service where people who are uncomfortable in the main service can pray at a slower pace. Often the leader of a learner's minyan will explain what is happening in more detail than is possible in a larger group.

"It's My Turn"

Every Jewish service offers a time for individual prayer. The Amidah, also called the Shemonah Esrei, is a personal prayer. The text focuses on themes that have meaning both for the individual and the community. Take you time when praying the Amidah. This is your time to focus on your individual thoughts. Begin by reading the text. Many times while reading the text I have been able to focus a very personal need that I have been able to clarify because the text has taken on a new, more personal meaning while I was praying. At times my mind wanders from the text to a particular concern that is on my mind. I turn my attention to that situation and talk to G-d about it in my own words. Important as the text is, communicating with Hahsem is most important! 

          Focus on your own personal thoughts and needs during this time. Don't worry about hurrying through the text to "catch up" with everyone else. Pray at your own pace, even in your own words. G-d will hear and understand!

Together as One

Becoming part of a people, part of a community is also important. Learning to pray "as one" binds us together. Families, congregations, communities, the Jewish people as a whole have needs just as individuals do. Therefore it is vitally important that we as individuals pray together during the reader's repetition of the  Amidah, there is an addition to the third prayer that is called the Kidushah. The kidushah declares the holiness of G-d. It requires congregational responses. Learn the text and how it is done. Make a special effort to participate in chanting the responses. Another important prayer if the Kaddish. It is recited several times during the service. A special version of the Kaddish is recited by persons who are in mourning or are observing the anniversary of a loved one. There is a congregational response in the Kaddish as well. Make this one of the first congregational prayers that you learn. You will soon understand the importance of being "together as one."

Jewish prayer is not easy. There is a reason why it is called the "work of the heart." By putting forth the effort to learn how to pray as a Jew, you will experience the great spiritual and personal benefits of Jewish prayer. Praying with the community doesn't need to feel like being lost in the crowd. The more you pray with your fellow Jews "together as one," the more natural it will become. 

As always I welcome your comments and questions. May you go from strength to strength!

Related links:

Siddur On-line (Chai Lifeline)

Jewish Prayer (Chabad)

Learning to Pray (My Jewish Learning)

Family Ties

For many Jews-by-Choice, the holiday season produces a unique stress. How does one deal with the emotional issue of relations with family members who are of another faith? Especially in places like the United States where Christianity is the majority religion, that major December holiday can be very challenging. Often Christmas is celebrated as a time of rare family unity. Even those relatives who never seem to contact family at any other time suddenly begin sending cards, making phone calls or coming by for an annual visit! As Jews we have no connection to this holiday. There is often a fear that non-Jewish family members will perceive this disconnect as an estrangement from family. How can this problem be avoided?

Each family situation is unique, but I can offer a few ideas to help make December a happy time for everyone

Your family is still your family.

Your parents gave your life and nurtured you through your early years. Your siblings are still brother and sister. If you grew up in a loving, caring home thank G-d! Your family played a major role in making you who you are. It is important that you validate that role by loving and respecting them for who they are. Many of the most cherished memories that a Jew-by-Choice has involve Christian holidays. It is wrong to discard those memories and even worse to feel guilty about them! Some do, but that is completely unnecessary. You are who you are, and that includes your personal history. Cherish your family and your memories.

Your home is a Jewish home.

Unfortunately some well intentioned people think that by merging the more "secular" traditions of the two holidays the tension is somehow lessened. For example they purchase a small artificial tree, decorate it with dreidles, and call it a "Hanukkah bush"! That is a foolish and unnecessary compromise. Friends, there is just no reason to feel uneasy about making your home look, sound and smell Jewish. Christian families do not apologize for their Nativity scenes under their trees. You should be equally proud of your menorah and dreidles. You are a Jew. Be yourself and be proud!

Yours

Ours!

Mine

Talk to your Rabbi.

Whenever you are confronted with a complex problem such as family relationships, it is always sound advice to speak with a trusted rabbi. Dealing with interfaith situations among family members raises a host of emotional and halachic issues and only a rabbi is qualified to advise on such matters. The wisdom and support that you will receive will not only comfort but empower you.

Find common bonds with your family.

Look for opportunities to share experiences with your non-Jewish family. And don't wait until December!! A trip to a baseball game, going fishing, or other similar shared interests are not tied to religious holidays or rituals. They can be wonderful times for family bonding. The "ties that bind" are really family ties. If you strengthen these ties during the other eleven months of the year, they will remain strong through more difficult times. I am often asked, "Should I visit on Christmas?" That is a question best posed to your rabbi, but in general I would advise against it. Visiting on the holiday often creates more tension than need be. You should definitely call and wish a "happy holiday" to your family. 

I was blessed that my parents and sisters have been supportive of me since my conversion. They did not exactly endorse my decision, but they accepted me for who and what I am. Family ties are a vital part of a healthy lifestyle and are an important part of Torah observance. I wish for you, my readers and followers, the joys and blessing of a strong and lasting bond with all your family.

Related links:

Telling Parents about Conversion

Confronting Challenges of the Christmas

"Teach Them to Your Children"

One of the most challenging responsibilities for any Jewish parent is transmitting the Tradition to his or her children. The task often seems even more daunting when one is still new to Jewish observance himself. So many questions crowd into the mind: How can I teach what I don't fully understand myself? What if my children really don't want to learn Torah? How can I make Jewish values and rituals relevant to my children? These questions and more make some parents reluctant to start. Too many parents simply delegate the task of teaching Judaism to the local synagogue. Far too often, when Bar/Bat Mitzvah class ends so does the child's Jewish observance!

I remember how intimidated I  felt when I first began my Jewish journey. Fortunately I quickly discovered that sharing Torah with my children was not "mission impossible!" In this post I will share some tips that I have learned "Along the Way." I hope they will inspire you to begin or to carry on!

You have already started!

As I have reminded parents on many occasions, we are all teachers. Your children see what you do and hear what you say. They interact with you in countless ways.Your children learn quickly what you consider important in your life. When you light Shabbat candles, observe Chanukah, attend synagogue services, or perform mitzvot, you are teaching your children that these are things that matter. That in itself is a very important lesson.

Children want to learn.

They may not admit it, but your children want to learn. They are looking for meaning and purpose in life. Even when they seem to be rebelling, it is because they are frustrated at not understanding or not having found an answer. Don't give up! Be positive, be enthusiastic, and most importantly be consistent. If you are there for them eventually they will come to you.

Brit Milah

Start sharing now.

A parent once asked me, "When should I start my child's Jewish education?"

"How old is your child?" I asked.

"Seven years old."

I smiled and said, "You are about seven years too late!"

Seriously, my wife and I took our children with us everywhere we went even as infants. They learned not only that there is a Jewish way to light candles and to pray, but there is a Jewish way to attend a baseball game and go shopping. When children grow up with Jewish values and Jewish observance, they are learning to be Jewish.

Learn with your children.

Don't be concerned that you "don't know it all." No one does! As you study, learn and practice, share what you learn with your children. Learning and growing together will build a lasting bond between you and your children that is built on Jewish values and mitzvot. My son is now 34 years of age and we still learn and study together.

Synagogue school and Jewish day school are both valuable resources, but there is no substitute for the parent-child relationship for lasting learning. To build a strong relationship and insure the transmission of the Tradition to the next generation, the task of teaching our children diligently falls to us parents. Give it your best effort. "If you raise a window the tiniest bit, Hashem will fling open the door!"

Related links:
Learning Resources (URJ)
My Jewish Learning (website)
Jewish Living and Learning (USCJ)

...That We Might Remember

Soon after the joy of Passover comes the solemn observance of Yom Hashoah, Holocaust Rememberance Day. It is a difficult time for all Jews. Confronting the shoah poses many challenges. It is a particularly conflicting observance for Jew-by-Choice. We have come to the community with no personal connection to that horrific time in history. How are we to deal with that part of the heritage with which we have aligned ourselves?

One day a few years ago my wife and I visited a friend who lived not far from our home. I knew that she had been in the camps, but on this day the reality of her past literally stared me in the face. For the first time, I saw the numbers on her arm. I was stunned. She was just a sweet, elderly lady. She was a gracious hostess, a kind, gentle soul. How could she have been treated in so inhuman a manner as she must have been in that camp?

With a heavy heart and a troubled soul, I came home and wrote the following piece. It is fiction but it gives expression to my emotions after having confronted the harsh reality of the Shoah for the first time. May Hashem grant that we may all soon merit the coming of Moshiach and that we will know only goodness and joy. Thus may it be G-d's will. Amen.

389146

          I can still see them, clearly as if they were in front of me now.  Six tiny numbers.  O­­rdinary Arabic numerals.  389146…  Distinct and precise as they were when they were needled onto her arm sixty five years before.  A cold, dehumanizing label.  Can I ever forget them?  God knows I want to!  I want to remember the sweet, lovely old woman who wore those numbers, her gentle smile, the distant look in her grey eyes.  But they are always there, those damn numbers.  I pray that I could wash them from my memory but my prayer goes unanswered.  They are etched in my mind as surely as they were on the old lady’s arm.  389146. 
          I knew that there were numbers.  In classes, memorial services, Yom Kippur sermons, I heard about them.  Like vague mnemonic devices, they recall facts from the past.  The trains, the camps, the “showers,” the ovens.  Hitler, Himmler, Mengele, Eichmann.  Treblinka, Buchenwald, Dachau, Auschwitz.  The trains are gone, the criminals dead, the towns memorials to crimes done long ago, the numbers lifeless…  Not so!  I saw them… There on her arm… Cursing, obscene, vile numbers… 389146.
          She never spoke of them, the numbers.  Not a word.  She went about her life as if there were no numbers at all.  She walked to the store every Thursday, came to shul on Shabbos, tended her flower bed and waved to the neighbor children as they rode their bicycles down her street.  She paid the numbers no heed.  But they were there, six digits staring at a busy world that cared not a damn about the numbers or the woman who carried them with her everywhere.  389146.
          She was so unlike the numbers, this woman.  Warm and kind, she always brought me lemonade when I came to visit.  “Come, sit,” she would say.  “I bring you something to drink.”  Two crystal glasses each with two fresh-squeezed lemons and plenty of ice.  Always she sat in the same comfortable chair and smiled.  Then she would raise her glass to drink.  And the numbers appeared surrounding the glow of the woman’s righteous purity with an evil darkness.  389146.
          She died alone one warm summer day, no husband to mourn her, no children to honor her memory.  So on this warm summer day, I rise to say Kaddish for her – my friend with the numbers on her arm.  I remember her – the woman who planted flowers, who smiled at children, who made me lemonade.  I remember.  I must remember.  For she was Gretchen Weiss, not 389146.

Related Links:
Yom Hashoah (URJ) 
About the Holcaust (Orthodox Union) 

Name That Jew

On the Shabbat that has  just passed, Parshat Shemot was read and studied.  Shemot mean "names" and the opening section of the parshah gives a list of names of Jacob's sons.  Appropriately enough, the subject of the meaning and significance of one's Jewish name was a topic of discussion.  Is there really something special about a Jewish name?  Isn't a name really just a means of identification?  Perhaps the name might be given to honor the memory of a loved one, but could there possibly be a greater significance than that?

A Jewish name binds its bearer to his people.

The Midrash teaches that the Hebrews were freed from Egyptian slavery in part because they kept their Jewish names.  They did not identify with or assimilate with the majority culture.  They remained a distinct people while still living within the Egyptian civilization.  The lesson for today is obvious.  It is sad that so many of my Jewish friends do not want to be "different."  They think of themselves as simply "Americans."  There are certainly many wonderful things about being a citizen of the United States.  I am an native of the USA myself and enjoy the freedoms and privileges that citizenship in the United States affords me.  However one need not sacrifice his Jewishness in order to be a good citizen!  I and a great many of my fellow Jews celebrate of Tradition proudly without being disloyal or disrespectful to the country of our birth.  My Jewish name is as much a part of my identity as the names given to me by my parents.

A Jewish name binds its bearer to Hashem.

Tradition teaches that it is through one's name that the Divine energy flows to the soul.  The name is more than a label.  It is a link!  When one is called to the Torah, he is called by his Jewish name.  When approaching the Sacred Torah a person is receiving a lesson from the Divine.  As we pray we communicate with G-d in both a communal and individual sense.  Whether symbolically, metaphorically or literally, these acts bring a genuine spiritual energy into our lives as Jews.  How tragic it would be to lose that vital link by disowning one's Jewish name!

A Jewish name binds its bearer to Tradition.

Within the many varied expressions of Jewish life, there are many traditions surrounding the naming of a child.  Some communities name him or her after a relative or a respected teacher or a significant person in Jewish history.  Other names are bestowed because of their meaning.  Some rabbis will allow a Jew-by-Choice to select his/her own name; others bestow a name upon them.  During my conversion process I chose to be called Avi (meaning my father) out of respect for my birth parents.  The name Avraham was bestowed upon me as a reference to Avraham avinu. My wife and I chose very special Jewish names for our three children: David (beloved) Datya (faith in G-d) and Rina (joy).  Each name has become an expression of the spirit and soul of each of them!

Whatever your Jewish name might be - whether Yiddish or Hebrew - carry it with pride!  Speak it often and with respect.  Through it you will know the power, joy and reality of being Jewish.  What is your name?  Shemi Avi!  (My name is Avi!)

Related Links:

The Significance of Name (Chabad)

Meaning of Boys' Names

Meaning of Girls' Names

Dealing with the Loss of a Loved One

Just a short time ago we observed the Fast of the 17th of Tammuz.  This fast day begins a three-week period of mourning for our lost Temple.  I hope, G-d willing, to address the issue of the meaning of the fast days soon.  This particular date has another, more personal significance for me.  On the 17th day of Tammuz, ten years ago, my father entered eternal rest.

Dealing with the death of a parent is always difficult, particularly so when that parent has been as loving and caring as were mine.  Every religion has developed mourning rituals to help the bereaved cope with their loss and to honor the memory of the deceased.  For a Jew-by-Choice, the additional concern at that difficult moment in life is how to mourn as a Jew for a non-Jewish parent.  Halachah and tradition give some guidance, but the laws and customs must be applied to each particular situation since no two families are exactly the same.  I want to share some general guidance from my personal experience. G-d forbid you should need it soon!

Talk to your Rabbi before the need arises. 

When my father had his first heart attack and, thank G-d, survived, I realized that there would inevitably come a time when I would have to confront this issue.  There were so many questions to be addressed!  What about saying Kaddish?  Should I attend the funeral?  If it is in a church?  Can I attend the burial?  Visit the gravesite afterward?  What do I do on the yahrzeit (anniversary of the death)?  Can I say Yizkor on the holidays? These are complex issues that require rabbinic expertise to answer.  When one is grief-stricken, he is not able to deal with such matters.  I made an appointment with my rabbi and spent a good deal of time discussing the issue.  He was incredibly compassionate, understanding and knowledgeable.  He gave me much helpful guidance based on Jewish law and tradition.  I cannot emphasize enough how important and helpful it was to talk to him while my parents were still alive.

The Choice is Yours.

My rabbi had been a great source of help and information.  I had studied and consulted with other rabbis and learned teachers. When the inevitable happened however , I had to make the decisions.  I had to find a way to balance my desire to comfort and support my non-Jewish family and be true to my Jewish values, to honor my father without violating halachah, to be an observant Jew in such a manner that the non-Jewish community would have a positive impression of my faith.  I felt that I was not only a mourner, but a representative of the Jewish people as well!  Right or wrong, people were going to be watching what I did.

I had to realize that there were priorities.  While it is important to be a positive example before the Gentile community, my first duty was to my family.  I needed to accept my own sense of loss and be free to mourn for my father.  I must "be there" for Mom, my sisters and other family members in their time of need.  I had to show respect to the memory of the man who had instilled in me a respect for the Sacred Text that had helped to bring me to where I was.  I will not share all the ways in which I participated because, as I wrote above, each mourner's situation is unique.  I wouldn't presume to be a example of how you should act.  I will tell you that I did make the choice to say Kaddish for my parents, and I observe their Yahrzeiten.  

You have a right to mourn.

Whatever else you may be considering as you read this post, remember this: You have a right to mourn!  In times of sorrow, Judaism recognizes our humanity.  That is why saying Kaddish is important to me.  It enables me to express my feelings within the context of my Jewish community. Their support is important as I remember and honor those whose presence has gone.  It is perfectly permissible to cry when dealing with loss! Mourning rituals help to heal the grief and to honor those who have made us who were are.  Dad and Mom, both of blessed memory, are a part of who I am. Their love of Scripture, devotion to Torah values, and respect for all persons regardless of their religion are as real in my life as if my parents had been born Jewish themselves.  I miss them terribly. I honor their memory.  When, G-d forbid, you are confronted with the same reality, my Jewish friend, may you find comfort and strength among your families - both Jewish and non-Jewish.

I wish for you, dear Reader, only good things in life and the love of family and your fellow Jews everywhere. May you go from strength to strength!

This article is posted in memory of my father, Kenneth A. Aston.  To learn more about Dad, please click here. Read "The Man with the Smiling Eyes" posted July 12, 2012.

Related Links:
An Orthodox Viewpoint
A Liberal Viewpoint
From a Conservative Rabbi (USCJ)
A Discussion by a Reconstructionist Congregation

Children of Avraham - by Adoption!

Permit me to begin with a short quiz. What do the following real people have in common? A young blond woman, mother of two, who became a Conservative rabbi and educator. A sixty-something chassidic rabbi with a flowing white beard and traditional black hat. A recent college graduate who is newly married to Israeli national. The author of this blog. Any idea? The answer is that none of us was born a Jew, but each of us is 100% authentically Jewish! There are many mistaken ideas about those of us who chose to become Jews. In this post I am going to try to correct some of them.

(Note to my dear Jewish friends: Some of you may take exception to some opinions I express here.  I am aware of the many halachic issues surrounding conversion.  I leave those issues to our learned rabbis, who are knowledgeable in such matters.)

We are as Jewish as anyone who was born to a Jewish mother.

We have the same privileges and responsibilities as every other Jew. We can be given an aliyah during the Torah service. We are obligated to study Torah and follow the mitzvot. We are required to create a Jewish home. We have a Hebrew name. (My Hebrew name [in the Orthodox tradition] happens to be Avraham ben Avraham avinu.) Some people have the mistaken idea that we gerim ("converts") fall into some special, second class category. I suspect that this misconception comes from the fact that there are a few halachic regulations related to our role in the community that are somewhat different. For example, marriage between a cohen ( a member of the priestly clan) and a convert is prohibited. That in no way lessens our status as Jews. To adapt an old saying, "We are just like every other Jew, only more so!"

The community has special obligations toward us.

There are two mitzvot that deal with the relationship of the community to a Jew-by-Choice. Jews are obligated to "love the convert." Ahavat Israel (love of one's fellow Jew) takes on a new dimension when a newly converted Jew is involved. The convert has in a very tangible sense left his world behind when he joins the Jewish people. His place of worship, much of his support network, even his method of social networking has changed. Recognizing these challenges, rabbis and sages over the centuries have challenged the Jewish community to give special emotional, social and spiritual support to these brave newcomers.The second commandment is not to remind a new Jew of his past. It is difficult enough to launch out of one's spiritual comfort zone into a strange new world!  We need and want to be a part of the community.  That is nearly impossible when one is constantly reminded that he or she is "different."

It is unfortunate that Jews-by-Choice are not always as freely welcomed as we should be. The good news is that very many of our fellow Jews are ready and willing to help us learn and grow.  Personally I have been invited to share Shabbos with many new friends including a few Orthodox rabbis.  When we are welcomed in such a sincere manner, we are much more likely to remain involved, practicing Jews.

We bring a vital spirit and commitment with us.

Becoming a Jew is not an easy process, nor should it be.  This is a lifetime commitment and one that has many consequences.  While I was preparing for my conversion, I attended a class taught by a learned Philadelphia rabbi.  In the middle of this lecture, the rabbi was interrupted by a messenger.  This by itself was most unusual, but his announcement was absolutely stunning. "Scud missiles have landed in a residential area of Tel Aviv. Casualties are unknown." As we sat contemplating the meaning for us as prospective Jews, he reminded us, "It costs to be a Jew."

We who enter the community through the door of conversion know that  this is serious business.  It is not something that we undertake like some New Age quest, nor do we begin this journey simply to please prospective in-laws. I cannot deny that there are some who do not take this step with noble intention, but by far the majority of Jews-by-Choice whom I have met do so with open eyes and willing hearts.  One young woman, whom I know personally, serves as an example.  She worked and studied for three years to convince her rabbi of her sincerity.  I first met her at an Orthodox minyan that I attend weekly. The group meets at the offices of a local rabbi.  Since before her conversion, she has come faithfully, sitting alone in a separate office and davening.  By her own choice, she then prepares our traditional bagels-and-lox breakfast for us. While this is only a small gesture on her part, to us it is a symbol of her commitment to the community. Toasting bagels is not a great undertaking, but she does it because she sees it as her own task. She brings that same sense of ownership to studying Torah and performing many other duties and mitzvot.

We are one people. Whether born into the family or adopted, we are all part of  Am Yisrael. As the Torah suggests, when we come together we can truly impact the world. And, I believe, together we can merit to see the arrival of our righteous Moshiach. May he come speedily and in our days!

Related Links:
Welcoming the Convert into the Community
"Why is Conversion to Judaism so Hard?"
"Why do Rabbis Discourage Conversion?"