"You Don't Look Jewish!" Right and Wrong Ways to Talk to Coverts

New Jews are often self-conscious. They also usually want to fit in, but since they are new to living as a Jew they aren't quite sure if they are "doing things the right way." Sooner or later, some well-intentioned soul engages them in conversation and asks some question that makes the convert even more ill at ease! I believe that most people want a New Jew to feel comfortable and at home in their Jewish community. But sometimes they say things without realizing that they are making their new friend uncomfortable or worse hurt. Here are a few suggestions to help make the conversation more positive.

Do I look Jewish?

Don't say, "You don't look Jewish!"

This is a common and really silly comment. How is a Jew "supposed" to look? I have personally met Jews who were dark skinned and white, blond, brunette and red-headed (Yes, red-headed!) tall and short, male and female. Jews are human beings and they look like human beings. Eliminate this ridiculous comment from your memory banks!

Don't ask, "Why did you convert?"

For a Born Jew it is natural to be curious about the reasons for gentile wanting to become Jewish. Aside from making the New Jew uncomfortable, there are two other reasons for controlling one's curiosity. Number one, it is none of  anyone's business except the convert! Everyone is entitled to privacy. And the question is irrelevant. Once a person emerges from the mikveh, he or she is a Jew. "Why?" doesn't matter any more. Which brings me to my next point:

A Convert is just as Jewish as a Born Jew!

I still hear people making the erroneous statement that a person who converts is somehow a second-class Jew. Nonsense, not true and not supported by halachah or any rabbinic teaching!

So how one make a convert feel at home in the Jewish community?

Start with, "Hello. Nice to Meet You!"

Seriously, New Jews are like Born Jews because they are Jews.  Make them feel at home because they are home! Greet them warmly. Get to know them personally. You might just make a new friend.

Be patient.

Not everyone knows everything. Many Jews who have attended shul for years still don't know it all. If they make a "mistake" resist the temptation to correct them.

Treat them like YOU would want to be treated!

I remember visiting a shul in my community for the first time. We were greeted with two reactions. Members of the Membership Committee could greet us quickly enough. Some folks just sat and stared at us...all through Shacharit!  Needless to say we rarely go back there! How would you feel? Treat converts in a friendly, welcoming manner.

The lesson here is obvious. We are all one! There is a mitzvah called Ahavat Yisrael, love of one's fellow Jew. If we can learn to live by that mitzvah, what a change for the better we would see!

Related links:

"Do's and Don't's of Talking to Converts"

"Proper Treatment of Converts"