Dealing with the death of a parent is always difficult, particularly so when that parent has been as loving and caring as were mine. Every religion has developed mourning rituals to help the bereaved cope with their loss and to honor the memory of the deceased. For a Jew-by-Choice, the additional concern at that difficult moment in life is how to mourn as a Jew for a non-Jewish parent. Halachah and tradition give some guidance, but the laws and customs must be applied to each particular situation since no two families are exactly the same. I want to share some general guidance from my personal experience. G-d forbid you should need it soon!
Talk to your Rabbi before the need arises.
When my father had his first heart attack and, thank G-d, survived, I realized that there would inevitably come a time when I would have to confront this issue. There were so many questions to be addressed! What about saying Kaddish? Should I attend the funeral? If it is in a church? Can I attend the burial? Visit the gravesite afterward? What do I do on the yahrzeit (anniversary of the death)? Can I say Yizkor on the holidays? These are complex issues that require rabbinic expertise to answer. When one is grief-stricken, he is not able to deal with such matters. I made an appointment with my rabbi and spent a good deal of time discussing the issue. He was incredibly compassionate, understanding and knowledgeable. He gave me much helpful guidance based on Jewish law and tradition. I cannot emphasize enough how important and helpful it was to talk to him while my parents were still alive.
The Choice is Yours.
My rabbi had been a great source of help and information. I had studied and consulted with other rabbis and learned teachers. When the inevitable happened however , I had to make the decisions. I had to find a way to balance my desire to comfort and support my non-Jewish family and be true to my Jewish values, to honor my father without violating halachah, to be an observant Jew in such a manner that the non-Jewish community would have a positive impression of my faith. I felt that I was not only a mourner, but a representative of the Jewish people as well! Right or wrong, people were going to be watching what I did.
I had to realize that there were priorities. While it is important to be a positive example before the Gentile community, my first duty was to my family. I needed to accept my own sense of loss and be free to mourn for my father. I must "be there" for Mom, my sisters and other family members in their time of need. I had to show respect to the memory of the man who had instilled in me a respect for the Sacred Text that had helped to bring me to where I was. I will not share all the ways in which I participated because, as I wrote above, each mourner's situation is unique. I wouldn't presume to be a example of how you should act. I will tell you that I did make the choice to say Kaddish for my parents, and I observe their Yahrzeiten.
You have a right to mourn.
Whatever else you may be considering as you read this post, remember this: You have a right to mourn! In times of sorrow, Judaism recognizes our humanity. That is why saying Kaddish is important to me. It enables me to express my feelings within the context of my Jewish community. Their support is important as I remember and honor those whose presence has gone. It is perfectly permissible to cry when dealing with loss! Mourning rituals help to heal the grief and to honor those who have made us who were are. Dad and Mom, both of blessed memory, are a part of who I am. Their love of Scripture, devotion to Torah values, and respect for all persons regardless of their religion are as real in my life as if my parents had been born Jewish themselves. I miss them terribly. I honor their memory. When, G-d forbid, you are confronted with the same reality, my Jewish friend, may you find comfort and strength among your families - both Jewish and non-Jewish.
I wish for you, dear Reader, only good things in life and the love of family and your fellow Jews everywhere. May you go from strength to strength!
This article is posted in memory of my father, Kenneth A. Aston. To learn more about Dad, please click here. Read "The Man with the Smiling Eyes" posted July 12, 2012.
Related Links:
An Orthodox Viewpoint
A Liberal Viewpoint
From a Conservative Rabbi (USCJ)
A Discussion by a Reconstructionist Congregation
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